Author Hal Elrod wrote that the average American is $10,000 in debt, 20 lbs. overweight, slightly depressed, has only one or no close friends, and dislikes their job. What’s more, many people’s hopes to improve their lives fall short of reality. A poll of 1,000+ people who invested in personal development courses or seminars, set goals, and worked on them for three months found that 96% of their efforts had failed completely. It’s wrong to assume the next book, course, or seminar will transform your life in an instant.
The paradox of mental health and dating
Research shows that being in a stable relationship has a positive effect on mental health, but is good mental health why you’re in one, to begin with? In a 21st-century Catch-22, some people want a good relationship so deeply that they rush into dating. They date very actively because of the perceived higher chances of finding the One. Faced with so many options, they end up settling for the easiest and most familiar (and often mediocre) one, proceed to become dissatisfied with the relationship, and their mental health suffers. A lifestyle upgrade might be just what you need to improve mental health in your dating life.
Upgrades start with discipline
Discipline is the foundation of excellence, whether it is a side hustle, completing a work project, exercising more, or building your network. Focusing on your goal and what you stand to gain will help you let go of negative habits that hinder your progress, such as wasting time on social media or spending too much money.
Consider any patterns in your dating experiences. Do you often date emotionally unavailable people, narcissists, or people who are strongly averse to commitment? Are their lives usually a mess, and you feel it’s up to you to “fix” them? In an effort to avoid pain, do you sabotage your relationships? Sometimes, these patterns build on bad prior relationships or unhealthy family dynamics. You know you want something better, but the familiar is comforting, and you could be attracted to people who validate your negative beliefs about yourself.
When is the right time to upgrade your life?
A Finnish study followed up on participants at ages 22, 32, 42, and 52. More than 1,300 people took part in each cohort, and the measures covered relationship status, self-esteem, depression, and relationship quality. Being single, widowed, or divorced was associated with lower self-esteem in males aged 32, 42, and 52. In females, age 32 was the only time researchers observed an association between being single and lower self-esteem.
The connection between mental health and dating options
Another study of 647 single adults aged 18-40 delved into variables such as perceived mate value and the number of dating options. Individuals who rated their mate value as low (they didn’t find themselves particularly attractive) and thought there was an oversupply of their sex in the dating pool were more likely to feel anxious, depressed, and generally negative. Those who rated their mate value as high followed the opposite pattern. For these individuals, an abundance of potential partners was associated with higher depression and anxiety levels, possibly because they felt the overabundance of dating options made decision-making challenging and unsatisfying.
Finally, participants who believed there were roughly as many women as men in the dating pool were more satisfied with their lives than those who felt there were either too many or too few potential partners.
The bottom line
People who see themselves as having low mate value can suffer mentally in a dating market they perceive as highly competitive. This can fuel the desire to “upgrade” their lives as a coping mechanism or strategy to improve their perceived desirability. On the other hand, those with high self-perceived mate value aren’t immune to distress either, particularly when overwhelmed by options. Upgrading one’s life is about more than appearing impressive; it’s also about aligning with values and finding purpose, which can help filter dating choices more meaningfully. Upgrading with intention rather than due to external pressure can improve your mental health and relationship prospects in 2025 and beyond.